Deaune'Today

So the last few weeks have been extremely non-stop. Between work and regular life stuff my tumblr has been very quiet. I just wanted to let it be known that I will be back soon with more of my opinions and crazy. A special shout out to my two sisters who keep threatening my existence because I’m taking too long to write something. I love you guys and I promise there will be something new by the end of this week!!!!

VS

Just got off the phone with one of my guy friends…and we always have these interesting conversations about relationships. Well today’s meeting of the minds included a conversation and confession about dating outside of our race. *eyebrow raise*

It started with me confessing about the 1 time I dated a white guy…in the middle of the story it occurred to me that there wasn’t just 1. I had dated 2…I laughed so hard because how could I forget either one of them when both were really nice guys. Neither one of the guys were forgettable, but neither situation lasted long enough to be more than brief memories. So in my defense…I must say I was in college + it was short lived = placement in the recesses of my mind. So after my confession my friend proceeded to tell me that I was wrong for not seeing if more could come out of either situation. I basically expressed that neither had my full attention because even though we got along great and they were both good looking guys…I wasn’t physically attracted to them. They both were pretty tall, one played football at an HBCU so he was really “down” and the other just preferred sistas…so he too had a lot of understanding about the culture but when I was out with either one of them…I did not have the urge to kiss them. To me, kissing is important because it’s very intimate and personal. With both guys I just wasn’t attracted to them like that. More confessing…I did kiss the football player once…but that was the only time and the earth did not move. I remained friends with both of them throughout my college career but never revisited the idea of building something more because it was clear to me…I like CHOCOLATE MEN!!!! While my friend on the phone continued to try and guilt me for not building more with either guy…I quickly reminded him that he HIMSELF has not and does not date outside of his race. Why doesn’t he, you ask…well, because he loves CHOCOLATE WOMEN!!!! See people can be attractive but that doesn’t mean you are attracted to them. Like for instance, Jude Law is fine but he is definitely not my Hollywood crush…on the other hand just seeing Idris Elba straighten his shirt in a movie makes me drool.

I’m not trying to make this a black and white thing…I just want it to be understood that being a single women cannot be fixed by opening yourself up to EVERY option. I have read numerous articles from relationship experts, life coaches and journalists stating that the best way to find “the one” is to widen your spectrum to other races. I agree that it will provide a larger pond to fish from…but it also means a larger number of bad fish you have to throw back. I prefer the idea of waiting for God to send me the right one…because it’s a lot of crazy people in this world and I don’t need to be featured on 20/20 or Dateline. So if he comes in a chocolate or vanilla package…it’s okay…as long as he comes with God. (short prayer: LORD, I WOULD PREFER CHOCOLATE).

For those who find love outside their race…I commend and congratulate you. For me…I’ll just wait on God!!!

My sister and I are super close. We hang out together, we share a lot of the same friends, we have been with each other for all of our major life events and we even handle our finances together. We are together so much that most people can’t say her name without saying mine. I love our relationship and I trust her completely. So much that she knows almost ALL of my business. I would say she knows about 99% of my life…but there’s that 1% that I keep to myself.

My secrets are quite ridiculous when I think of what they are and I don’t keep them to myself for fear of judgment. Truthfully, I keep them in my head because words are powerful. I often think that if I speak any of my secrets, the world might shift. Sometimes when I’m about to say something mean I will stop because I don’t want to put that energy in the air…same concept with my secrets. If I actually say it, there’s a chance things will change. Whether it’s someone’s perception of you or your attitude towards someone/something else…there will be change. As we all know, people’s perceptions can have an effect on your life. Granted, I’m not really a person who cares about what people think of me but I do care about what my family thinks of me. I mean my secrets aren’t murderous or whorish, they are just private. I must say that if any of my secrets were unveiled, I wouldn’t be ashamed because they aren’t juicy or overly exciting…I just don’t want to tell anyone. That’s the best part about a secret, you don’t have to lie about it…you just don’t say anything. Y’all already know I can’t stand liars…so when people choose to lie instead of just telling outsiders to mind their business it gets on my nerves. To me a good secret is something that is not detrimental to anyone’s life but it may help to protect someone’s feelings. Hell, it may even protect your own feelings. There is one secret that I hold close to my heart and it is constantly swirling around in my head. The funny thing is that if I ever told any of my close friends or my sister, they would just laugh. I’m more than positive it wouldn’t shock them and since I’m such a contained person, they might even give me a high five because it was a moment of spontaneity. The main reason it remains a secret is because I don’t want to admit it to myself. So in my head it will stay.

I say, whatever your secret is, keep it to yourself….just don’t lie about it. If someone ask, tell them to “get some business”.

This past weekend my sister and I had the privilege of seeing Kevin Hart and his crew in concert. We had an absolutely amazing time. Now, on to the embarrassment.

Oklahoma doesn’t get a lot of concerts that feature relevant people…we usually get the reunion or casino tours that have artist who haven’t had a hit since the 80s or 90s. With that being said, all I could think about before the show was “Lord, don’t let Oklahoma embarrass me.” Granted I’m not the Mayor or Governor or anything but from the time we arrived to the theater, it was evident that I would be embarrassed. There were wall to wall women with endless bags of hair on their heads, thigh high pleather boots, too short dresses, too tight shirts, and “Girl, how did she get them on” pants. I mean I saw so much hot mess-ed-ness out there it was ridiculous. Fortunately, my naturally beautiful sistas represented…and we were all strategically placed throughout the audience so that the ghetto forces could not be too strong. Some of the horrendously dressed women were people I know through 6 degrees of separation and I know for a fact that they really weren’t ghetto girls…but for some reason it was “dress-up-like-a-hoochie” day for them.

Don’t get me wrong, dressing sexy is cool but dressing slutty is not…there’s a big difference. Form fitting can be great because it can accentuate all the positives and (with the help of supports) smooth out the negatives. But when the dress is so tight I can see your belly button through the material or when you stand up all I see is the entire top of your thong….You need to go up a size!!!! One of the funniest parts of the night was when Kevin Hart and one of his opening comedians were talking about how they love natural women…whether the hair is nappy or straight as long as it is your own. The theater was very quiet (except for us natural girls clapping)…a lace front sista was sitting next to me catching an attitude over this statement (I’m laughing right now just thinking about it). And I heard a whole lot of others grumbling because they thought they were too BADD….when truthfully, they just looked bad.

So last night, I was talking to one of my best guy friends and he was telling me about an annual professional event he went to this past weekend and how every year the women seem to get more hoochiefied. I could do nothing but laugh because he was clowning hard about how many women these days are so contradictory. They may have a master’s degree or make 6 figures or graduate from an Ivy League university but STILL have no self worth. That’s all it boils down to…no sense of self respect.

I have so much more to say about this subject but I’m under the weather right now…so to be continued with more profound thoughts and less clowning!!!

There is a term I use to describe many women of today…BEAUTIFUL TRAGEDY. She walks into a room with her hair in place, makeup flawless, blemish free skin, curvy in all the right places and clothing fitting every inch. All of the people see her, many of the men lust for her and yet she stands there like a porcelain figurine feeling invisible. She is so aesthetically beautiful that you miss the flaws. Her main focus is on being seen and she has a tapeworm for men with money and status. Even though she is intelligent, she down plays her accomplishments to seem less threatening to men. She seems to be in full control of her flirtations and conversations as she works the room. Her confidence is convincingly real and seems very strong. So much that these types of women are usually hard to detect but one of the easiest ways to locate a true beautiful tragedy is by just watching her work a room.

Usually, if you look longer than a second you notice the lifelessness of her eyes and the seemingly flawless complexion is actually quite dull. Her moves from one end of a room to another become predictable. She’s never truly interested in one person, so she doesn’t engage in any lengthy conversation that will require her REAL attention. The scripted conversation that she works from is the same for each and every person. Male or female, she will effervesce and flirt as to gain some sort of rapport. Typically she has no loyalty to anyone but herself because she truly can’t trust anyone but herself. And why should she be able to trust anyone? She has connived and lied to every “friend” that she has had. But don’t get it twisted…she’s never by herself because she knows how to make new friends. People are drawn to her false sense of dependability and loyalty…until they figure out her truths. What truths you ask? The truths that she can never be a real friend, no one is exempt from her lies and all that she honestly cares about is herself.

In my lifetime, I have been acquainted with only a few beautiful tragedies and because of my perceptiveness, never encountered any real hurt from any of them. Basically, once you spot this individual, you take them with a grain of salt. Don’t feed into their insanity because their venomous attitude can seep into your being and cause great damage. Don’t think your positive attitude can have a genuine, renewing effect on them. Don’t invest any more than they do, because they may take advantage of you. Overall, don’t try to change them because these types of women are so emotionally damaged that the only way for them to change is with God’s help. And truth be told, they don’t trust HIM either.

When I was a sophomore in college, I had this dream of becoming a singer. I constantly sang, listened to and wrote music and I even talked to local producers. My parents, on the other hand, insisted I finish school. In attempt to find a happy medium, I pursued an out of state school that would give me the training to become a musical engineer. After getting all of the paperwork filled out and talking to the schools counselor about transferring, I had a discussion with my parents. The conversation basically went like, “you need to settle down, stay where you are and choose a major because we are not paying for the other school”. This memory is funny now but I was pissed then. So I chose a major, fashion business. The summer before my senior year, I was to complete an internship. This was my opportunity to get out of Oklahoma for a few months and familiarize myself with the fashion industry. See, I’d been working in retail since the summer before my sophomore year…so I KNEW retail but this would be FASHION!!! I hunted and sent resumes all over the East and West coast…then I got a call. A hip hop apparel company based in Brooklyn, NY offered me the chance to intern for the summer. Like most internships, it was non-paid but would have given me experience and exposure. Once again, I found myself having a conversation with my parents and this time it went like, “congrats but don’t you think you should find something that pays because we cannot give you the money to go”. So I found an internship/job in Tulsa that paid and gave me experience (mostly retail…not much fashion). Once again, practicality won over passion. My parents are practical people (my mother more than my father) and they encourage my siblings and I to pursue our dreams but in a smart way. “Think it through”…but it seems to me that when pursuing a dream, you have to throw caution to the wind and go for it. As I say that, I sit here in my practical job contemplating the next path to take towards my goals.

My passion is still fashion and the ultimate goal has been set…the issue is finding a way to passionately pursue it, while practically paying bills. Some people can just pack a duffle bag and go sleep on a friends couch for 90 days but as an independent woman I haven’t been able to accept that as an option. I mean there is nothing wrong with it, but my rearing has taught me to be self sufficient. Plus as a woman, there are too many personal effects to be considered. It just annoys me when I see myself not giving a hundred percent to either side of the scale. My dream would be to run into some exorbitant amount of money so that I could just stop working my practical job and pursue my career (I’m sure I’m not alone…lol). Reality, however, states that my practical job keeps my bills paid. So how do I balance the reality of responsibility and the pursuit of happiness? My answer…I stay in God’s path, I know wherever he leads me, I will find ultimate joy.

So I’ve been quiet for a few days…I had to get my thoughts together. See, with this being a blog about my day to day thoughts, it can be a very emotional process. Being that I’m a thinker, my mind can go into overload…so I have to shut down for a little while, recharge and come back with the TRUTH. While on my mental vacay, a lot of stuff has happened.

This past weekend I was walking into Target and ran into an old high school friend. (Side note:  a lot of my situations happen when walking into Target.) Anyway, I was clownin’ with my sis and didn’t notice him but he clearly noticed me because he called my name. When I turned to see who THOUGHT they knew me, I had the stankest look on my face…so he said, “Is your name…?” I glanced at his face and recognized him but wasn’t sure it was him until I saw his name tag. It was evident that he had just gotten off of work at his fast food job. I quickly threw on a smile, we hugged and he started in on the 20 questions and 100 explanations of the past 15 years.

Rewind back to 1995/1996…in high school he was one of my secret crushes. He was tall, had a beautiful smile, well dressed, nice hair cut, always smelled good, well mannered, funny and super sweet. We had a few classes together…including music…and he could sing. Since we saw each other throughout the day it was easy to become fast friends. After a few weeks of just kicking it at school we started talking on the phone. This was pre-cell phone days…so in addition to his cuteness…the fact that he knew how to properly call my house, ask permission to speak to me and would stay on the phone with me until I had to get off (my parent’s rules)…he naturally became a perfect candidate for crush status. I say secret crush because even though I was FIERCE…I wasn’t the conventional beauty. As you know, in High School…a guy might like you but if he thinks that for a second his homies might clown he will ‘friend-zone’ you real quick. So I was always the coolest female friend to have. Pretty in the face but chunky in the waist lol (I think I’m funny).  Anyway, we continued our friendship for the duration of our high school career but never did I ever express my “like” for him and never did he ever breach the boy code of dating in high school.

Fast-forward to March 9^th, 2012. Standing in Target, as I stated he started in on the “what’s been going on” questions. I express, that I’m just working and on my grind for my next level in life. It was a short and sweet answer that perfectly describes my (on purpose) very simple lifestyle. Out of common courtesy I returned the question. Man, what did I do that for? All of the flood gates opened and he started telling me too much. He started with his recent separation (4 days) from his wife who he had been back and forth with for 11 years. They have 2 children together but she had 3 before they started their relationship. He has been the sole provider for ALL of them because the previous baby daddy was a dead beat. Though he took good care of all of them, she has had a hard time staying completely faithful. So she constantly runs back and forth between him and some other guy. Now he is back at his parent’s house rebuilding his life. After high school he started going to culinary school but because of the relationship with his wife and their children, he had to quit. Now he has the opportunity to go back and finish school. In the meantime, he works at the fast food place and also, as a waiter. In between all of the rambling, he took a few opportunities to express how good he thought I looked. I was quite speechless and a little distracted. Basically the entire time he was rambling about his situation, I was noticing his unkempt hair, his very dark weed smoker’s lips, his dull skin and the fact that he looked way older than he actually is. As my momma says those are clear signs of “hard living”.

After a few minutes of his talking, I explained that I needed to go find my sister because she left me before his barrage of information was fully released. He then took the opportunity to express how he wanted to keep in touch, asked for my number and mentioned something about getting drinks or coffee sometime. I politely smiled (not flirtatious) and gave him my number. When I got in the car, I was telling my sister about the entire ordeal and how that kind of random spirit cleansing always happens to me. Like I could randomly run into someone from a previous point in my life and instantly they give me the graphic synopsis of their adult life. It is fine with me…but always seems very random.

The funniest part of the night was after my sister and I discussed the conversation, his appearance and his uncomfortable flirting…I told her that when I hear situations like his…it makes me feel…ummm…it makes me feel so BEAUTIFUL!!! I know that sounds crazy but let me explain. With my life being very calm and controlled, there are times it feels BORING and many women in my shoes would take it as a negative. Well I don’t!!! I’m always proud of my ability to think things through and make SOUND decisions. It always seems that after listening to someone purge their stress, I usually feel much better about being a calculated person. It probably sounds insensitive on my part but I feel that in life we all have choices and how you feel about yourself ultimately depends on YOUR decisions.

Will he be in my prayers? Yes. Would I ever go out with him? No. I love living a relatively drama free life!!!! 

One mother’s day a few years back I realized that I had more in common with my grandmother than I ever knew. For many years the only thing I thought we had in common was my mother. That reason alone was enough for me to love her without any question and no matter how unbending she could be about things at times, the longer I lived the more I loved her.

I remember the first time I ever felt like she understood me. It was one Christmas, I was still in high school…probably about 16 years old and as always we were visiting her and my great-grandmother for the holidays. During this time, I thought I was too cute and I was in the early stages of understanding my passion for fashion…so, I didn’t just wear clothes…oh no, it was an ENSEMBLE. From head to toe, makeup and hair…never would I leave the house without my LOOK together. I was so daring in my fashion statements that I would wear very uncommon colors of eye makeup and lipstick (purple, green, blue, silver)…it was my thing!!! Well, my grandmother was not the kind of woman to buy things that were not a necessity (socks, underwear, nightgowns etc.) and by this age I had become so accustomed to her gift giving style that I got excited every Christmas because (even though my parents supplied undergarments) I knew I was getting NEW stuff!!!! But wouldn’t you know it, this particular year as I’m opening my gift wondering what my new night gown, socks and undies were going to look like…it was nothing of the sort in the box. Instead it was a briefcase style makeup kit…with what seemed to be endless eye shadows, blushes, lipsticks, lip pencils and sooooo much more. Like anything that was needed for a full make up consultation was in this briefcase!!! I was so surprised…I mean, I could not believe my practical grandmother bought me something that encouraged my passion. My astonished reaction was very obvious and I remember feeling for the very first time that she GOT me. I’m sure she never knew how much that simple gesture affected me but it truly allowed me to indulge further into my passion. From that day on, any makeovers I did on my friends were completed with a full makeup consultation lol (sometimes I miss high school).

See my perception of my grandmother was basically that she was a God fearing woman, who worked hard, loved her family and didn’t take ANY crap. She was very proper in her approach to people and life in general. Education was important and so was self-sufficiency. I learned from her example how to BE a lady at all times, respect myself and BE respected. In our 29 years together, she taught me so much…most times without even saying it. For those who knew her…yeah she was hard at times but everything she did was founded in love.

Some years ago, on mother’s day, I was a little strapped for cash but I wanted to get her something. At the time I was very much into writing poetry, so I decided what better gift than to write a poem (side note: still love poetry, just don’t have the time).  I gave her the poem and she smiled…but the best part about her reaction to the poem was that she said to me “I see you love words too”. It wasn’t until that exact moment that I realized we shared a commonality…a passion. I have carried that one statement around with me all this time and even though she’s gone, it has encouraged me to indulge in OUR passion as often as I can.

I miss you Ms. Eula Lee James-Jackson!!!