I think it happened. The anticipation and energy has been slowly seeping out of me like the air escaping from a small hole in a balloon. I’m slowly losing altitude and feeling the gravitational pull of cynicism and reality. I think it happened…whimsical thoughts of one day falling in love with “the one” may have been murdered.
I know, I know…I sound a tad bit dramatic but after years of believing in the possibility that there is a perfect Him to my Her, I think the romanticized concept of a healthy, happy relationship needs to be admitted into the ICU. After the last few “situations” (not relationships…not even “dudes I was dating”) that I happened to be involved in, my heart is on her last leg.
Situation one…I was contacted by one of my boomerang syndrome (previous post) individuals. He showed up just to see if I would be willing to reconnect. As I stated previously about these individuals, anytime they reappear, it is important to be completely sure where you stand with reconnecting with them. For me, in this case, it wasn’t an option. The most that I would be willing to offer is friendship. We caught up on our present day lives and discussed our last conversation. Did we end well?….No. Why was I willing to be friendly?…Because the older I’ve gotten and the more I go through life, our break up was not that serious to keep me in an angry place. After about 2 weeks of communication and me keeping him at arms length, the “we should’ve never ended” conversation came up. In the most gentle approach that I could muster up, he was reminded that how we ended was primarily his decision and I thought our lives were going in different directions. Not only did we end on not-so-good terms but he was no longer a father of 3 (which was the case when we were last together). Now he is a father of 5. The crazy part is that I knew him before he even had children…but now he had 5!! I will say this as diplomatic as possible…children are not a deal breaker, however, as a single woman, with none of my own, more than 2 can be quite daunting. So I usually steer clear of men with more than 2 kids. In explaining to him that a “we” would not be a good idea…he disappeared again.
Situation 2…typical beginning…Man meets woman…exchanges information and begins the introductions of our dating representatives. The dating reps consists of the most appealing parts of yourself that will allow someone new to see you in your best light. Over time, you begin to see the other layers beneath that attractive surface and that’s when the relationship truly begins. Welp, this situation didn’t make it past 2 weeks. (side note:2 weeks must be my ‘this ain’t gonna work’ cut-off point…interesting concept…I will have to ponder that idea). Anyway, our first few conversations seemed promising but there were a few things that I keyed in on because they seemed small on the surface. However, my dating history shows that most little things tend to end up as really big things later. I would love to share the little things but there are too many and it would take up the rest of this post. I am, however, going to tell you how our encounter assisted in my ever growing cynicism and sarcasm towards love. The story goes like this, on the day that we agreed to go on a date, he wanted to change the initial plans that I suggested, which I didn’t mind because he made a great suggestion. (and here goes the problem). We decided the when and where but now we were discussing the how…he questioned if we should just meet at one location and ride together? I said sure…I will drive. I volunteered for 2 reasons…
1. He is new to the area and really didn’t know his way around
2. If he acted a fool, I could just leave him and still have a guaranteed way home (It might sound wrong but I like to always have a backup plan)
Well, he wanted to be the driver but not because of some unspoken manly thing. He wanted to drive so he could smoke in his car. I don’t date smokers and he was not a cigarette smoker…he smokes WEED. *record scratch* “Say what now?” was my thought…but what I said was “UMMMMM”. Then his words were, “Oh yeah, you are a good church lady…you don’t do that do you?”
“Well, that’s why we should ride in my car, because I wouldn’t want to smoke in your car.”
My brain was uttering such foul, angry words but my mouth said, “Do you HAVE to smoke or you WANT to smoke? and isn’t that something you can do AFTER our date?” “I WANT to.” was his answer.
Why was I still willing to go on the date, you ask? Well the answer is simple. One of my unfortunate traits is giving too many people the benefit of the doubt. However, my patience with the conversation and this individual had run it’s course. In my stern voice I said, “Look, why don’t you just do you and I will do me.” Translation, “dude…don’t call me anymore.” The phone call went on a few minutes more because he was having a conversation with himself about how he could do what he wanted and what I wanted…if only I would do what HE wanted. Needless to say the date didn’t happen and that was our last conversation.
I will be 34 this year and I’m still holding out for true friendship and love from one man. In the meantime, my heart is in the ICU getting a much needed rest so that when the RIGHT man comes my way, I will be open and receptive.
I know this was supposed to be written at the end of 2012 and we are in the last quarter of 2013 but what can I say, except life happens. With that being said…it’s that time again for my list of issues that need to be rectified before we go into another new year.
1. What you not gon do is…be self – demeaning. Over the past couple of years women have gone from calling themselves Independent divas to “Bad Bitch” (excuse the language). All who know me, know that for the last year I have been openly vocal about my distaste for this one statement. I’m saying, who in their self-respecting mind would call themselves by 2 words synonymous with negativity? Definition of bad is: of poor quality; inferior or defective and the definition of bitch: a malicious, spiteful, or overbearing woman – sometimes used as a generalized term of abuse. I understand that music artists have always been the go-to for music, fashion or new slang but when hip hop artist started using this term I just knew women would have the good sense to be appalled by such a derogatory label. But lo and behold some simple minded chicks have latched onto this statement. They have gone as far as defining themselves to all who will listen as “Bad Bitch”. So you mean to tell me that because you feel like you are more beautiful and put together than any other woman, you are to be classified as a poor quality, inferior, defective, malicious, spiteful, or overbearing woman? Sweetie, you must need some Jesus, a life coach, and a hug. In 2014 I would love to see women take back the level of respect that was proudly represented by our mothers and grandmothers. The kind of representation that shows the world that we are intelligent, beautiful, respect requiring, self-sufficient women. It’s overdue!!!!
2. What you not gon do…is keep complaining. Having frustration in a relationship is a day to day occurrence and is expected throughout life. However, I’m speaking specifically to those individuals who constantly complain about their significant other but won’t leave the situation. True story: I know this guy who is a sweet, very good looking barber in the shop where I get my locks tightened. He and I have had numerous conversations on his frustrations with women. Especially the type who are confrontational or are, in his words, crazy. During our conversations he has alluded to the fact that his current girlfriend is somewhat of a bug-a-boo and can be confrontational about everything. Well just about 2 weeks ago, while getting my hair done, I overheard him telling his homeboy “yeah man, we went to the doctor and I got to see my little one on the screen”. *blank stare* All I could think was, did he just say his girl…the one who supposedly drives him “crazy” is pregnant? Come on man…are you serious??!! Now, believe me when I say, if he’s happy than great. My issue with this is, stop complaining to me and everyone else about your girlfriend!!!! Especially when you didn’t find anything wrong with her while you were impregnating her. In the last year I have heard so many women and men complaining about their significant others to the point that I feel like this, if he/she is so bad that you have to waste my time dumping their flaws on me, then leave the situation. Don’t continue playing house, making babies and infecting each other with your venomous disgust just so you all can stay in a comfortable place in life. Don’t be scared of venturing out into the world on your own. I’m not going to even say the cliché “you may be missing out on something better.” Because though that may be true, it’s not about that. It’s about peace of mind and happiness within your relationship and yourself. I know from personal experience, that being with someone that I spent more time complaining about than being happy with was draining. MAAANNNN, I’m just fed up with co-dependent, complainers. Get out of here with that!
3. What you not gon do…is not be self-aware. Sometimes I tell my sister that I wish I wasn’t so introspective. If I wasn’t so in my head, then I wouldn’t weigh out all cause and effects when making life decisions. Truth is, if I didn’t spend the time sorting out my thoughts I wouldn’t be so aware of who I am as a woman. In saying this, I want to publicly declare that if you are older than 15 years old and you don’t start defining the type of person you want to be in life…you need to take a minute or year and get it together. There is no excuse for walking around in the world and not knowing who you are within it. Self-awareness provides a gauge or measurement that can guide you through the more confusing times that will be encountered in life. For instance, while in college, I went through a time of feeling lost and like I was just roaming through the days aimlessly. However, because I was fully in tuned with my awareness meter, I never went too far outside of who I was. There was no need for desperate acts to cry out to the world that I felt lost. I just remained still and quiet. Processed the emotions by communicating with friends or family and at the end of it all I found my way. I think a lot of young people are so consumed with instant response and immediate gratification that they don’t formulate this meter until later in life. But for me, it started very early because some days all I had was my music, paper and pen. Those were the moments that helped me look within and sort through my options for who I would represent in this world. Each day that I awake, I’m more and more thankful for this ability.
Well that is all for now. I’m sure at the beginning of 2014 I will have more to say but until then enjoy the conclusion of 2013. Thank you all for reading my crazy and if you have topic suggestions feel free to hit me up on twitter @Coffee2019 or email DeauneToday@yahoo.com. Also, if you haven’t read the other 2 parts please click these links: What You Not Gon Do Is!!! & What You Not Gon Do – Part 2!!!!
Summer is officially over and fall has arrived. It’s the time of year where all single people, admittedly or not, start looking for someone to cuddle up with on cold days. For myself, I categorize the men I meet into dating pool levels. Just like a swimming pools, each level goes deeper and requires more attentiveness. So, what are the levels, you ask? Well I will tell you:
Shallow end – This is the most crowded area of the pool usually because most people enter on this end. Many people are more comfortable staying in this area of the dating pool because it requires very little focus. Being in the shallow end allows daters to be half in and half out, there’s no real commitment. Usually, these individuals’ intentions are just to be in the mix without losing out on all incoming possibilities. They can always feel their feet touching the bottom of the pool which gives them a tangible sense of security. There’s not a lot of heart involved because that would require true emotion or connection. Also, most people in this end are just ‘hanging out’ not really dating. Most activities consist of calling in takeout and watching movies at someone’s house and then sex. There’s absolutely no real danger in this end and it’s easy to roam around from person to person.
Middle – During the fall/winter months you see more daters migrating from the shallow end to the middle. This area is a little less crowded and there are clear indications that the daters are coupled off. There’s many more outings and introductions to each other’s personal worlds at this level. Most have declared exclusivity and are respecting the relationship building process. This level requires a little more caution because even though you can feel the bottom of the pool, there are more moments of floating. Hearts are involved a lot more in this level because daters begin to decide whether they should go deeper or start back at the beginning. This area is honestly where emotional intentions are weighed.
Deep end - once daters have waded through the crowded shallow end and floated through the middle, their final destination is in the wide open, deep end. Most don’t make it to this level of the pool. Not because they’re not permitted, but because they fear the all consuming possibility that this end of the pool offers. The deep is not for the faint of heart because it requires real commitment to attentiveness and direction. It requires great tenacity, passion and heart. If you aren’t aware of your surroundings within this end, you may lose balance and drown. So many times daters think they are ready for this end and decide to cannon ball their way into the deep. Unfortunately, since they aren’t prepared for this level, they not only splash their mess on others but also tend to struggle for air and clarity because the depth is more than they anticipated. There’s less noise, moving and people in the deep. It’s a great area for those who are no longer daters and are looking to float off into the sunset with their partner (I know it’s corny).
I must say that none of these levels are better than the next. It’s all defined by the investment and commitment you are willing to make. Also, these levels are strictly a personal concept created from my observations and are not scientific analysis published by some relationship expert. Simply put, they’re just here for dating intention simplification and maybe this will help someone wade through the crowded dating waters.
I’m writing you today to remind you that there is a proper way to court/date a lady. First let me start by saying that all ladies are women but all women are NOT ladies. Ladies, such as myself, take pride in having a moral compass that informs us when we are stepping into dangerous, beautiful tragedy territory. We don’t manipulate or whore ourselves out for money or attention. We work hard and like to be appreciated for bringing more to the table than our appearance. As much as we like knowing that you admire our appearance, we want you to also delight in the entirety that makes up the ladies we are. With that being said, please stop treating women as if we are all the same.
After encountering you through many different faces, I believe it’s time I send this letter to you. For the last few months I have had the displeasure of making your acquaintance through what seemed to be stand-up men. They were what I like to call “good on paper” brothas. Basically this means that you all have a good combination of attractiveness, intelligence, ambition and open-mindedness. When you approached me, in all of your different forms, you all were very polite and gentlemanly. However, after phone numbers were exchanged and conversation increased, all of you seemed to be focused on one thing. S.E.X. Sex is a beautiful, wonderful thing that should be shared between people who truly love and care for one another but you all seemed to think differently.
One of you didn’t hesitate venturing into the very personal conversation of sexual escapades within the first conversation. I took it as your way of finding out if I would join in on the topic because if so, then I must be willing to act out your propositions. After politely changing lanes of conversation twice (because you kept going back to it) I had to make it stop. So, needless to say, all of my tact went out of the window. I quickly ended our conversation and deleted your number sending you into the digital wasteland. Another one of you decided to play the role of a gentlemen for a few days but by day 7 when I realized that you were no closer to planning a date than you were the first day we discussed it and actually you were trying your hardest to convince me that dinner around 9pm at your house would be much better….I declined and moved on. Then this more recent situation, where the young man decided that a date shouldn’t happen until we met for coffee or drinks but would never set a time or place. Except to invite me over to his house around 11pm, I’ve become utterly fed up.
My frustration with all of this and more is that you tend to encounter a lot of women who settle for these types of shenanigans and forget how to treat real ladies. I mean when did it become acceptable to invite a woman over, during booty call hours, before having a first date? I’m not saying we don’t like to “boo up” with you or come through to your home for dinner and movies from time to time. But I am saying let me get to know you first before you try to hunch on me. Also, be aware of the different women in this world. There are some that will accept your invitation, walk in and get butt nekkid. However, I’m not that chick. If you recognize the difference between the two, you will move through life a lot easier and you wouldn’t have to spend your energy trying to convince a lady to go along with your tom-foolery.
With the influx of social media, reality television and other hedonistic behavior the population of real ladies has been on a steady decline for many years. As a lady I speak on behalf of the others in saying WE ARE STILL HERE!!!! We stand tall and proud! We try to influence other young women coming up but our work is straining. With the importance of instant gratification being pumped into everyone’s system like a heroin addict getting their fix, it’s becoming harder and harder to stand our ground. But Listen up…WE’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!!!! LADIES STAND UP!!!!!!
A True Lady
A few months back, on a rainy Saturday, I had the privilege of supporting a sister-friend and her ministry by attending a forum that she was facilitating on being christian and single. She provided many resources on how to balance the two and at the end, right before dismissing us to enjoy the rest of our day…she opened up the floor for questions. The question and answer portion was strictly anonymous and no one had to bear the shame of admitting to their failing balancing act. Everything from how do I find a man to will I ever have a relationship was anonymously placed in the passed around basket. My sister-friend gave sound counsel that was based on spiritual truths and natural realities. But the one question/answer that stood out to me was ”What are your(my sister-friend) thoughts on ‘friends with benefits’…not in the sexual sense but in the sense of I take care of things for him like cleaning up his place and he takes care of things for me like paying a bill.” The answer was simple, bottom line….it’s not cool. Why are you playing house with someone who is not your husband or calls himself your friend? Why are you giving away the benefit without the commitment? She explained that a benefit was something that enhances a person but if you are helping a person advance and it is not reciprocated, then at some point someone may begin to take advantage of the situation.
Where am I going with this? Well it’s simple. For the last few months I have been really evaluating this whole relationship thing. I’ve been self reflecting to improve the areas in which I may have fallen short but it occurred to me, after meeting a few new men, that a lot of guys are looking for the benefit but not the commitment. They are willing to accept all that is given but have nothing to contribute. When I say contribute, I don’t mean financially I’m talking real, emotional, human connection. They want the girlfriend privileges but a friend title. Which is ideal for the man who wants to maintain his many women friends but not be devoted to just one. For instance, a man who knows that the woman he is seeing would never be his wife but he continues to allow her to play wifey. On the converse side of things, I know guys who play husband and offer protection, support and sex to women who use them for what they can get. Why not just keep it real and let the person go? When did taking advantage of people become acceptable? I mean you can’t accept all that a person has to offer and call them a friend. What a slap in the face. I’ve honestly never done the friends with benefits thing because my guy friends are designated to the friend zone and stay there. However I have watched friends be entangled in ‘friendships’ where they provide support, shelter, sex and in return they are told “I thought we were just friends”.
I have this philosophy, and I could be wrong, that after a certain age, relationships have a shelf life of about 2 years total. If you are not married or engaged within that time…or don’t know if you would marry that person…it’s time to go separate ways. It might sound a little ridiculous but if you talk to most married folks this truth does apply. The issue I consistently see with most woman is the desire to be ‘wifed’ by a man and the decision to play ‘wife’ to show him that she qualifies for that position. What’s wrong with that you ask? Welp, they never get the legal documentation declaring that they ARE a wife.
So on this 19th day of May, I declare that in 2013 dating has become one of the most difficult forms of human interaction. There will be no benefits coming from me without the commitment. So I will resolve to stay single until the man who is ready to be a husband is ready to accept me as a wife.
I have been away from my blog for a while. I’ve been suffering from writer’s block. There were so many other things going on in my mind that I haven’t been able to streamline a thought. However, for the last week, I have been on a vacation that has helped me refocus and streamline a lot of things. I’ve been able to restructure my goals, pray and meditate. Clear my cluttered, blocked mind and now I’m ready to conquer the world.
For those who don’t know, I’m a fashion GENIUS!!! (LOL). No seriously, I’m so passionate about colors, fabrics, cuts, and silhouettes that I am constantly studying or creating new looks in my head. I can window/web shop for hours. I love to support small boutiques and rare buys are my FAVORITE. Though I did some great shopping while on my vacation it was not about that. This vacation was about checking on one of my best-friends, de-cluttering, refocusing and realigning my goals with God.
Now that some decisions have been made and prayed about, I’m ready to get back to creating.
Isaiah 54:16-17 New International Version
“16 See, it is I who created the blacksmith who fans the coals into flame and forges a weapon fit for its work. And it is I who have created the destroyer to wreak havoc; no weapon forged against you will prevail,
17 and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me,” declares the LORD.”
Ever want something so bad that it becomes a part of who you are? A new appendage? It’s so entangled in your mind, body and soul that its no longer a passion but part of your DNA. I mean it takes over your senses. You can taste its decadence, smell its aromatic fragrance, see its beauty, touch its smoothness and hear its sweet song. It’s something so attached to your being that you can’t imagine life without it. Though at times other things impede on your senses and distract you from the very thing for which you’ve been created.
I have been on this journey with my purpose for so long that losing it is not an option. I tend to keep this piece of me between God and myself because I would hate to be the selfish creature who only discussed her future plans and never considered anyone else. So quiet I stay, constantly working and believing in the manifestation of this part of me.
However, on Saturday 12/22/2012 while having breakfast with my fave two girls, a perfect stranger stopped with a word from God. She approached with caution and said, “I don’t know if you’re a Beliver but the Holy Spirit told me to give you this verse…Isaiah 54:16-17”. For those of you who know me…I am a Belivever but I don’t really do random people stopping to talk to me, especially during a meal. However, in that moment I knew she was a child of God and not just some crazy person.
I read and received this scripture as a gift from my Heavenly Father but wasn’t very clear as to what it pertained. My sister and I, both being sensitive to how amazing the encounter was, began to cry. My sister also received the scripture as a gift and confirmation on some things she had been dealing with at work but I needed to meditate on it.
As the day progressed I prayed and read the scripture several times and even discussed it with my folks. After some time, the application of the scripture became apparent. God gave me this passion, this purpose and the scripture just reminded me that just as He has created me as a human being, He has created my purpose. They were designed at the same time and are maturing at the exact speed He intended. Therefore, He has made me strong enough to endure and defeat anything that tries to come against me. Having this moment with this woman in a restaurant also made me see that this thing that’s a part of me is visible. It’s become an outward display of our inner entanglement. Just as the DNA of a child is created by both parents, so is my passion. I almost forgot this truth but I shall never lose sight of it again.
I’ve been single all my life. I’ve never been engaged or had a husband. There are a few reasons why but the main reason is I know what I want and I refuse to settle.
I’m sure that makes me sound like I have some freakishly long list of outrageously impossible qualities, attributes and demands but that’s not the case at all. Actually my list only has a few must haves…some basics. Such as God-fearing, intelligent, compassionate, fun…just a best friend who knows how to hold my heart. With all that being said, my true list consist of things I don’t want.
See my “don’t want that” list has been much easier to construct due to all of my disappointing dating situations. Since I don’t feel like or have the patience to list all things that I don’t want, I’m listing the one thing that has been ringing in my spirit (yes…my SPIRIT) for quite some time (I’m so funny).
I don’t want a husband that I have to EXPLAIN!!!!! What do I mean by that, you ask? Plain and simply put, everytime I’m around friends or family I don’t want to have to provide reason for his mood, attitude or comments etc. For those who know my dad, you understand that I was raised by a man who doesn’t know a stranger, loves being around people, is self assured and restpectful. My dad’s example has definitely spoiled me and set the standards for my expectation. Granted I don’t want someone completely like my dad…because he wrecks my nerves lol but in reference to my parent’s relationship, my mother never has to EXPLAIN him.
So for those in the world who wonder why an amazing woman such as myself or my sister have yet to marry…well, I know what I know and as for right now…I KNOW I DON’T WANT THAT!!!!!
It’s been a primary representation of my denial. Constantly I think or say “I pick good dating candidates!!!” But truth is I don’t.
I have been emotionally connected to a man who is physically connected to everyone else. We don’t call our situation a relationship but we call it a friendship. However its not either of the two….it is a ‘ship’ of sorts but is nothingness in truth. So why continue the ‘ship’…because it’s steeped in honesty, comfort, and entangled souls.
Currently we are not in daily communication, as we have been for the last few years, because he’s out of town visiting his girlfriend. Being that our ‘ship’ is founded on ‘friend-basis’ principles…I’m fully supportive of his girlfriend(s). Where we go wrong is when we reminisce on how we met and what we were like then. 7 years later and several dating situations between the two of us and our ‘ship’ still continues on but today, in my quiet time I have been engulfed in the truth that I need a break from this.
A break from being conveniently available for hard times, break ups,arguments, infidelities and lies. It’s been my life’s story that every old flame has attempted to maintain a ‘ship’ with me because in their words “(I’m) different and cool to kick it with.” So I’m here to say on this day, December 8th, 2012, I’m taking a break. I’m sick of this ‘ship’ and all the others too.
Must admit….I can’t wait for 2013.
I have been M.I.A for a while. As usual I’m living life and taking notes. It has occurred to me that it’s time to write a book….at least it’s worth a try. Work has been crazy…life has been crazy…so I’m gonna attempt to collaborate with one of my best guy friends on this adventure. Should be fun and should give me the opportunity to create…which we all know I love to do. Pray for me and this project…whether it’s a collaborative effort or solo piece of work…I’m gonna do it!!!! Because IT’S WORTH A TRY!!!!
Last night I was watching a recorded ustream video of one of my favorite online personalities, Lewis Williams III also known as IHustleNation.com. While answering a viewer’s question he made a statement that I truly agree with and have said myself a time or two. Black people, my people, have a tendency to celebrate things that shouldn’t be praised. I know people will argue with some of what I write but I have to keep it honest.
Some of the most negative actions that would be frowned upon by everyone else in the world will be congratulated by my people. Such as prison release. Should you be happy to see your loved one that has been gone for a while? Sure, that’s up to you. However, planning a big party to congratulate them on being released from prison is ridiculous to me because it’s not a milestone completion such as high school or college graduation. Not that long ago, incarceration was an embarrassment and our elders looked at it as punishment for someone making a bad decision. Not as a rite of passage.
Another example is the ever growing concept that standing up for oneself involves having a physical altercation or cussing folks out. It’s not okay to act completely irrational and go off on people. We are not animals and have the ability to verbally communicate our emotions. My question is why are you jumping around and being over-the-top with everyone or everything that you disagree with? I just don’t see the good in living your life completely by emotions. Instead of us not paying attention to the foolishness, we egg it on because it’s entertaining. My people, if we don’t have some decorum and respect for ourselves, no one else in this world will. We are already viewed as the inferior race but we shouldn’t be giving supporting evidence by celebrating such foolishness.
The half-naked, “see me”, whore mentality that has infested our men and women everywhere is by far one of the most ridiculous celebratory happenings. One of my guy friends told me that when he attends the national conferences that are geared towards educated black folks, it’s just as “ratchet” as the hood clubs. It’s a bad combination of scantily clad women and aggressive, rude men all looking for immediate gratification without explanation. Despite financial or educational standings sistas are lining up, as if on the slave auction block, to be chosen by some “baller”. When the two come together it’s considered a “win” for both parties. Truthfully no one wins in this situation and it just further pushes us away from the idea of marriage and commitment.
When did we get to a place where rebellion and disrespect for everything became the standard? When did being loud and ignorant became a measurement for “keeping it real”? Why is whorishness looked at as a man or woman being comfortable with their sexuality? I know we live in a day and age where these questions plague many races but my primary concern is my people. It’s like as a people we have gotten to this angry place in our community. On some level, I understand where the anger stems from but as human beings we make DECISIONS on how we will handle our emotions or how we will have the world regard us but we just don’t. It’s got me feeling like Laurence Fishburne on School Daze “WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEE UUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPP!!!!”
Yesterday my sister and I were having one of our random but very entertaining conversations. I was explaining to her how I can’t stand when people put God or the Devil in mess they created. For instance, your bills are due but you decide the $400 handbag is calling your name. Well it may be but there’s a decision you must make; lights, gas, water or an amazing accessory. Hands down it should be the bills but the real is more people would buy the bag. And that is totally their prerogative, my issue with it comes in when I see them poor-mouthin’ (as my mom says) and talking about “the devil is busy”. UMMMM No ma’am!!! I am not trying to hear that. Of course people will sympathize because they don’t know about the beautiful handbag tucked away in the closet. And they won’t know about it until a few weeks go by or the person is back on their feet, whichever comes first. Then all of a sudden, “you know God is a provider.” I can’t stand it!!! It’s as simple as this, your lights, gas and water being turned off IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!! Don’t put that on Satan. Yes God is a provider but don’t attach him to your bad decision and begging behind.
Another example, I witnessed an expecting mother who is not married proclaim that it was all God’s doing. Now I don’t want to upset anyone but I’m just gonna speak my personal truth. First let me say that the gift of life is a blessing however the situation in which the child was conceived was not. There are some natural principles that come with sex and no matter the marital status a baby can be created when a man and woman hunch. I’ve had many people ask why my sister and I don’t have children and we usually reply, “Because I’m not married.” The typical reply is “well you don’t have to be to have a baby.” And we say, “Well, I do.” Basically we want them to understand that we made a choice not to have a child. There are too many preventative options that it’s an easy decision to maintain. When a man and woman have sex, the possibility of pregnancy is ever present and it is nobody’s responsibility but theirs. So if a child is created from some fornicating or adulterating, don’t put it on God or Satan just be honest and say, “I wanted a baby so I did what needed to be done to have one.” Or “I didn’t do what I was supposed to in order to prevent this pregnancy.” Yes lust is a sin placed in front of you so that you will DECIDE to do something wrong but it’s your choice. Just accept it…It’s your fault.
I’ve lived much of my adult life relaying the message to my mentees that life is all about choices so placing the blame of misfortune on the devil or natural principles on God it annoys me. If you can’t tell, it irks me to see people act out foolishly and then try to place the responsibility on the spiritual. We as humans hold a lot of power in the fact that we choose our path. Whether Christian or not, your decisions are up to you because no one is going to force you to do anything you don’t want to do.
My birthday is right around the corner and it is that time of year when I begin to take an assessment of my yearly accomplishments. I don’t know if everyone does this but I think it’s a great way for me to set new and refocus on missed goals. Sometimes it backfires because if my goals have not been achieved then I’m a little bummed. This year however I’m switching from a goal oriented assessment to my declaring my truths as a 30+ year old woman. I know it sounds dramatic but here goes.
Truth#1: I love my family
I have a large extended family. Truth be told, I have so many nieces, nephews, cousins, and siblings that are not blood related, I can’t count them all. I love, love, love my family. No matter how much we get on each other’s nerves, the love never ceases. As for my immediate family, I cherish everything about them. My parents are my dearest friends and advisors. They have always kept it straight with me no matter what the issue. My sister was my first best friend and still is. She is my confidant and sounding board. The various conversations we have are so diverse that we’re never bored with each other. In regards to family, there is one truth I rarely discuss but I will today. In the near future I would love to have a family of my own. I want the husband and the children, not just the babies. In making this statement, I just want it to be clear that I’m not rushing it, because it’s too many crazy folks in the world. I’m truly waiting on God to provide the right husband for me and children AFTER the marriage.
Truth#2: I’m overly opinionated.
Let me clarify, I’m not judgmental but I do have an opinion on EVERYTHING. Whether I choose to share it or not depends on our relationship. For instance, a co-worker/friend would have to ask me for my thoughts on a subject and even then I would temper my tone or response so that it is received as a simple opinion. As for my family or sister-friends, Lord have mercy on them. Not always, but I’ve been known to ask “what you got on?” or “what’s going on with your hair?” without blinking or sugar coating the fact that their appearance is not at their usual best. Over the last few years, I have been a lot more contained with giving my input but if I love you, I’ve got to tell you. It’s all in love and they know it. Whether requested or not, I’m gonna provide an opinion.
Truth #3: Art is my passion/sanity
For as long as I can remember I have loved music, drawing, writing, dressing up and anything else that has to do with artistic expression. I remember the first real poem that I ever wrote. It was a love poem to this guy in the 6th grade that I had a major crush on but didn’t know how to tell him. Now, I never gave him the poem, as a matter of fact I still have it but I remember it being my entrance into the world of verbal expression. One of my favorite memories is from a few years back. The clothing store I worked for wanted to do a fall fashion show and who volunteered to be in control…????? You guessed it, ME!!!! It wasn’t my first time working on a fashion show because at school, part of our course work was to work on putting together shows each spring semester but this was the first time I was in charge. I had great friends helping me execute everything and for an in-store, informal fashion show, it was amazingly fun. Sometimes I am in disbelief of the things that I’ve produced and created and over the last 20+ years I have grown so much in my artistry. Truth is, I can’t imagine going a day without expressing myself.
Truth #4: I am a child of God
I am a typical church kid. Born, raised and chose to continue my spiritual path with God early in my young life. I believe in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. My prayer life is so real that God and I converse on everything. I occasionally buck His authority and when I do He allows me to feel the consequences, as any great parent would do, so that I learn my lesson. I cherish and respect this relationship and wouldn’t trade it for anything in this world. True Story: Met this Muslim man and we dated for a short while. During this time in my life I was a little rebellious in my walk and tried to proceed through life on my own terms. This particular man was very devoted to his faith and wanted to build something with me. However, in order for us to continue our relationship, I would have to convert to Islam. In the most respectful but emphatic way possible, I explained that conversion was not an option. I expressed that even though I was struggling on my path, I only trusted in the LORD and I would never leave or deny my Christian faith. I’m a human and am flawed but I am working on being more like Christ every day.
These are just a few truths that make me who I am but they are the main sources for which my existence is founded. I’m thanking God for a new year and expecting exciting next levels!!!!
Ask anyone of my friends or family members and they will tell you that I am intimidated or fearful of very little. Some will probably say that they can’t think of anything that would have me scared. But on this day, October 4th 2012 at 2pm I must declare…I’m a little scared.
For the last few weeks, I’ve been experiencing an atmospheric shift in my spirit. It feels like there’s an unseen chain of events orchestrated by God that spiritually and physically move things in their proper place. I’m sure that this happens all the time but there are particular moments that my sensibilities are connected to the shift. Usually while I’m encountering this feeling, I keep the knowledge of it to myself as to not weird anyone out but not this time. While having a random conversation with my sister, it became apparent that I wasn’t the only one involved in the knowledge of the shift. She and I were riding in the car and we were discussing all of the random changes that have been happening around us. Out of the blue she said “it just feels like a shift in the atmosphere.” Right after she said it I started screaming, “OH MY GOD!!!! Are you serious right now?!!!! I feel it too!!!!” Simultaneously we both started explaining how we were both attuned to this movement surrounding us. I felt a lot better because it wasn’t just me. During this time we both witnessed other people going through job, family and health changes. Then a couple of weeks after having this conversation, while at our other sister’s house for dinner the conversation of the shift surfaced once again. To my surprise our sister had been journaling about recognizing a shift. At this point I was more than elated to know that there was someone else involved in the identification of the shift. Is my fear with the shift? Yes.
As recent as last week, I made a major decision that ultimately transitions me to a whole new way of life. New surroundings, new friends, new everything and I know it will be the catalyst to my next level. Though I’m excited to take this next leap of faith, I’m a little scared. Not of the possibilities but of the drastic change. I am an extremely inquisitive person and I don’t particularly care for not knowing what’s going to happen next. I am a child of God and have great faith but I will admittedly say that one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn on my spiritual journey is how to fully trust Him. Occasionally, I do relapse into my “tryna control everything” ways but this time I’m just going with the flow. I’ve been holding my fear inside as to not spark the onslaught of opinion on my decisions (that’s why I’m not being super specific about them). This transitional phase has me shaken but I definitely feel empowered. I believe the strength is coming from recognizing how much my faith has grown. Usually, I would be somewhere wrecking somebody’s nerves talking about the ‘what-ifs’ and ‘maybes’ but right now I’m so secure in the shift. It also helps that I have an amazing sister who listens to all of my crazy…she even proofreads all of my post. Lol. When discussing my fear with her she said “[the fear] is expected. I mean you better be scared!!! Because you’ve made a life changing decision that will put you on your path to happiness…I support you” and some other positive stuff. Her sentiments gave me a sense of calm and support to carry around. (I love her). During this entire time of uneasy and unknown changes, I’ve discovered this new layer of “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.- Philippians 4:13.”
I have an interestingly nerdy perspective to share today. I was thinking about all of the women of the world who consider or call themselves “super woman” and it hit me that some of these chicks are soooo not that. Truthfully, we all have some sort of alter ego that shows up during various times to either defend from ignorance, empower for multi-tasking or prepare for battle. Whatever conquest needs to be conquered, the super woman alter ego shows up to save the day. With that being said, I must add that the super woman alter ego is not every woman’s alter ego. As a matter of fact, there are some specifications that must be a part of a woman’s DNA that will allow her to be classified as a Super woman. Such as attentive, intuitive, caring, strong, loving, fearless, self-assured and just plain FIERCE!!!! For example, as many others in the world, my primary example of a super woman is my Mother. On any given day she can transform from regular ol’ Debra to wife/mother/ lady/chef/counselor/ seamstress/beautician/HNIC at work/minister and she does so without anyone seeing the outfit change. And because it is a part of her being, there are no questions as to how she does it. Is it a bird, is it a plane….NOOOOOOO….IT’S SUPER DEB!!!!! What is her weakness? There’s only one thing that can get to a real super woman and that is overdoing it. Simply put, super woman can only be taken down when her body physically slows down. So it’s always in her best interest to pace herself.
For every super hero there is a villain. For all of you super women of the world I must tell you about the increasing population of what I will call Super Silly Zilla. She’s a real-life, walking, talking, breathing villain. For ages, as if I’m a hundred years old, I’ve wondered how an educated woman can morph into this villainous creature? Where did Super Silly Zilla come from? Well, she has been created by the ever growing generation of women who are insecure, starving for attention and narcissistic. Her prototype was spawned years ago but in more recent years with the increase of low self-esteem and desperation her form has manifested into a surprisingly strong opponent. Typically she has all the makings of a beautiful tragedy (click to read). She is intelligent, has a great career, house, frequently travels, but when it comes to relating to the opposite sex, her alternate ego appears. Unlike her chief nemesis, her transformation is visible for the world. When vying for attention, she becomes cloaked in garb that is solely used for enticing. Her mannerisms are dripping with seduction and she has the ability to lure her prey to her den without physical force. Usually her prey will comply with insinuation or promise of physical satisfaction. Her main source of power is purely physical. The appeal of the Super Silly Zilla alter ego to the educated woman is that she seems to be sexy, in control and adventurous. But in all actuality she is an inferior representation of super woman. Her primary weakness IS super woman and everything she embodies. So whenever super woman appears in a room with her multifaceted beauty shining and the heaven’s singing, Super Silly Zilla runs for cover and swears to never be in the same room with her again.
So I ask you….Which one are you?